She woke up different

Everything was the same as every other day, but she felt different. All her disappointments were waiting for her when she got up, but something had changed. The disappointments didn’t seem to bother her much. She had found salvation for her soul. She had become a warrior reigning in peace. Even for her, it was a tad difficult to understand…

***

She was late for work – again. This time, her day was worse than the previous one. Her car wouldn’t start, so she decided to take a bus to work (she didn’t have enough to catch an Uber). Things were looking up, until the bus was called in by traffic police – something about making the wrong stop and picking passengers in the wrong place. All this saga took up 30 whole minutes. All this time her fingers were crossed and prayers all through to Jesus – she’d hoped that 30 minutes was all she had lost from her day.

As things were just about to resume to normalcy, the bus took a left turn, followed by several others – away from the main road. There was hectic traffic, so the driver chose to cut corners. The only downside is that the corners he picked were equally crowded – this time, both vehicle and human traffic (wait, do these drivers even know that the shortcuts they result to are sometimes twice the actual distance? 😲). Clearly, there was no way she’d make it to work on time. This was the third day in a row that week she’d been late to work. She had every intention of getting her car fixed, but that was a plan for the weekend (the car would still run – at least before today). She had already picked a fight with HR for showing up late. Even with a promise to change, she still got to day 3 of being late – only this time, later than all other days. 

At about the third turn in the new route they’d taken, she grabbed her phone to text the HR manager – a heads up would work great to acquire some liniency thereof (or at least she thought). Just before she hit the send button, her phone was grabbed through the window (these Nairobi thieves though 😡). This was about to be the longest day she had had in the week. 

It took 40 more minutes for her to get to work, which – as you would expect – merited a huge fight with HR. Worse, this time, she had to face the manager and explain herself (cause apparently people in HR just can’t hush 🙄). 

Her whole day was nothing but crap. She even poured coffee on her laptop and had to work on a colleague’s desk all day!

Night time was her chance to rekindle some joy, but apparently, KPLC needed a top up (candlelit dinner it is 😔). 

The next day wasn’t as bad, but really, there wasn’t much to celebrate. She still hadn’t replaced her phone or fixed her car – just her laptop. She did manage to buy some tokens and get her lights back on, but there wasn’t much good news on TV anyway (seriously though, am I the only one who finds 7 o’clock news very saddening? It’s always bad news 😢). 

Even with all these things, the worst part was having to go to sleep. Her whole life would replay in her eyes so traumaticly that sound sleep was not possible. 

It was the nasty words from the HR that kept taunting her. (you’d think the salary was humongous enough to cover those ills – but really, she held on because it paid her bills 😔)

‘You are never efficient! Why can’t you emulate your colleagues? Do you always have to mess up everything? Can’t you for once be good at your job? What is so hard about doing your job? Do you ever do anything right? You have become a liability to this organization! Grow up already, or lose your job!‘ 

It was also the fact that she could never really fit in at work. Everyone seemed to be syncing with the company – but her. Everyone knew where the party was, but her. 

She gave her best, but it really was never enough. She even got a loan and bought a secondhand car – but I guess it takes more than a wound up corola to belong. 

Sleep was really never happening for her. She would burry herself way too deep in thoughts, enough to get her mind super worked up. Then she would sleep and wake up to yet another lousy life. Her life was a cycle of stagnation and frustration.

***

This one day, something was different – it’s not like she won a lottery or got a promotion, but something changed in her daily craze of lousy.

When she got home, she decided not to turn on the TV (there was nothing good to watch anyway). Instead she took her now fixed laptop and perused the archives of her pictures. Down memory lane, there was so much shine in her life. She used to be hopeful and alive. She lived life, even though she was totally dependent on family for several things. She used to wear nice clothes and was very well kept. It was going so well until she realized that she couldn’t find a recent picture. She couldn’t even remember the last time she posed for a photo.

She realized that for months now, she’d not put any effort towards her life – not to her house, leave alone looking good for work. A part of her was dead, and it started way before the frustration of the week.

She’d never opened the curtains to let in some shine (not even on weekends where she stayed home all day). She’d never cooked a complete meal for dinner – it was always fries, biscuits and juice. She never did her bed before leaving the house. She didn’t have friends and she never went out or hang out with anyone.

All these little thoughts and feelings of regret started creeping in her head. She was an actual statue of sad. Even though life had been all that and worse, she had been the worst to herself. Her life was about waking up to a nasty job and holding on to the end.

She never thought of having more – those dreams were long gone. Looking at the mirror, she’d lost some weight. She had dark circles on her eyes from all the sadness and lack of sleep. Her face was very dry and scaly. Her nails were chipped and ragged. Her hair was all thinned out on the edges. She could not even reconcile the person in the mirror and the one in the photos. Something had to change rapidly because her life was fading – and quickly!

She decided to sleep (isn’t funny how sleep is a solution to so many problems? 🤭). Her going to bed was a stance she was taking that a miracle needed to happen for her. She slept and decided that tomorrow would be better.

So she woke up different. Not a single thing about her life had changed. She still took the bus to work, had no phone and dealt with a nasty HR. She still had the disappointments follow her closely. But even in the midst of all that, she felt different.

Part of her remembered that fixing everything was never going to make it okay. She needed to fix her perspective. So on that morning, she woke up and hour earlier than usual, picked out her favorite red dress, covered her dark undereyes with some makeup, put on some pums and dashed to work. She got there 10 minutes late, but according to her record, things were already looking up. (you should have seen the smile on her face even though the HR had nothing nice to say to her.)

Something had changed in her. Her situation was not better, but she was not bitter. Even though she didn’t fit in with the ‘squad’, she took a stance and wouldn’t let them talk her down. She was determined to take back a seat on her life. She decided that her life was hers to live.

Sometimes we use up a lot of energy being frustrated at what life has served us that we forget to be present in our very lives. The people in your life are not entitled to treat you good. It is not their place to make you feel good about life. Bad news will always be there. Bad things will always be happening to good people. There will always be something to bring you down, but being down is a choice only you can make.

The minute you decide to own your happiness is the day you set yourself free from the baggage of seeking belonging. You only belong when you own you. So, instead of hoping for the disappointments to end for you to feel good about your life, how about you take a good nap and wake up different?

Wake up and expect more from yourself instead of from others. Wake up and give more than you take. Wake up and be loyal to you before you ask anyone of loyalty. Wake up and smile even when it’s the last thing you feel like doing. Wake up and prove to yourself that your feelings will not override your purpose.

Cause the truth is, unless you see different, you will not be different. There is such a thing as reaching as far as your eyes can see. See good even when everything looks bad. Exude joy even when your feelings are hurt. Show love even when hatred is enthroned. Remember that your track record of getting through bad days is 100% – you will make it through and be okay. Be the bigger person and watch life make way for you.

PS: You can treat people better than you feel